Grief

Yesterday was a day of grief.  It was the third year since I lost my husband to Death.  

Have I processed the magnitude of my loss?  I don't know.

Have I processed the grief of my loss?  I don't know.

What I do know... is that I felt alone.  Not a bad feeling, but a disturbing feeling to have. I don't have his wonderful big bear hugs.  I don't have his gorgeous goatee to gaze upon.  His big beautiful eyes that I could just fall into.  

I miss the helluva outta him.  But you know what?  I know he's there for me.  He may no longer be here physically, but he's still here for me mentally.  

To me, I feel like he was the one that led me to this apartment where I could restart my life at.  He led Purple to me, where I could have an insane companion who makes me laugh.  And mark my words, Purple is definitely insane, but that's the thing that comes with having a cat. I sometimes wonder if there isn't just a teeny part of Paul inside Purple.  Purple curled up in my arms last night when I drifted off to sleep.  He knows when I need that.  It's uncanny.

There's more days than not when I don't think about Paul now.  I think that indicates that I'm beginning to let go of my grief.  It used to be the other way around, I'd think about him way more than not.  

I used to go, "Oh, he'd have loved that beautiful muscle car that just zoomed past me!"  Now I'm more appreciative of muscle cars but I don't always think about Paul.  And so it goes.  

Paul is not the only loved one that I have lost.  I have lost several loved ones in my past.  And as I become older, there will be more losses.  

Grief is a normal part of one's life.  It is not something to be afraid of nor is it something to be reviled. I think it should be something to acknowledge.  

I probably will always feel alone on March 8, but that's okay.  Paul was a very very big part of my life and he always will be, even past Death.  That's something that I celebrate.  I would not be 100% myself without him having been a big influence on who I am.  

I miss him.  I love him.  He is always with me.  Yet, he is not with me.  Such paradoxical feelings, but that's what grief is.  Full of paradoxical feelings.  One can smile, yet cry.  

I smile because he is no longer in pain, no longer struggling to be himself.  I know he is the most himself he can be now.  I will see him when I meet with Death whenever my time comes.  I do not fear Death.  I will meet all my lost loved ones.

Blessed be!