Long Time No See

 Howdy, folks!

It's been quite a while since I've been posting... apparently, I am not a blogger.  :D

So latest news since last post (which was early March)...

I had two seizures end of March (which was triggered by a medical test that I had done).  I nearly broke my nose, definitely broke a tooth, and was very nicely bruised on my face.  I healed well.  

With my doc's okay: I am weaning off phenobarbital as it interferes with other medications that I need to be on.  Phenobarbital is not a nice guy when it comes to working together with other meds. Onfi is now the med that I'm on - primarily for the absence seizures that I probably have.  My VNS (vagus nerve stimulator) can not stop these seizures, but it seems to be working very well to prevent the tonic-clonic and myoclonic seizures that I have.  This is the FIFTEENTH medication that I have tried.  So hopefully, Onfi works for me without the dreaded side effects that have plagued me.

It's now the beginning of June.  I have moved from my old place where I learned how to live alone, on my own.  Now I am in a new place where I believe it will be my final move.  I love the place.  It is right next to the mall where I can go walking in safety.  A friend of mine is also moving to the same building that I reside in.  She will be moved in end of this month.  We plan on walking together and all that.  It is an exciting opportunity to start anew and to create a HOME.  The previous place did not feel like it could be a HOME.  This place does.  

I feel much happier and more stable.  I'm waking up without feeling like I want to sleep in more because ugh, day coming... No.  Now I wake up and feel like welcoming the day.  (Yes, Purple bounces onto me when he senses that I'm awakening so he doesn't really let me sleep in, lol.)

And speaking of Purple Sparkles, my sweet kitty boy... he seems to be much happier in this place even with things still unpacked.  He likes his food.  Aka, he just started being fed adult kibble.  I chose Iams, hairball control - chicken and salmon flavors.  He likes it very much and I'm very happy about that.  Also, I've started feeding him wet food every evening.  He especially likes salmon and tuna.  So I get him the Iams wet food as they're perfectly portioned and I don't have to fuss with cans or anything like that.

I doubt people read this, but I'm blogging anyway because I feel the need to share parts of my life with the world plus it helps me to put things down in writing.  So a public journal?  I suppose.  :)

Hope you have a wonderful time!  Until the next post!

Sunny

Grief

Yesterday was a day of grief.  It was the third year since I lost my husband to Death.  

Have I processed the magnitude of my loss?  I don't know.

Have I processed the grief of my loss?  I don't know.

What I do know... is that I felt alone.  Not a bad feeling, but a disturbing feeling to have. I don't have his wonderful big bear hugs.  I don't have his gorgeous goatee to gaze upon.  His big beautiful eyes that I could just fall into.  

I miss the helluva outta him.  But you know what?  I know he's there for me.  He may no longer be here physically, but he's still here for me mentally.  

To me, I feel like he was the one that led me to this apartment where I could restart my life at.  He led Purple to me, where I could have an insane companion who makes me laugh.  And mark my words, Purple is definitely insane, but that's the thing that comes with having a cat. I sometimes wonder if there isn't just a teeny part of Paul inside Purple.  Purple curled up in my arms last night when I drifted off to sleep.  He knows when I need that.  It's uncanny.

There's more days than not when I don't think about Paul now.  I think that indicates that I'm beginning to let go of my grief.  It used to be the other way around, I'd think about him way more than not.  

I used to go, "Oh, he'd have loved that beautiful muscle car that just zoomed past me!"  Now I'm more appreciative of muscle cars but I don't always think about Paul.  And so it goes.  

Paul is not the only loved one that I have lost.  I have lost several loved ones in my past.  And as I become older, there will be more losses.  

Grief is a normal part of one's life.  It is not something to be afraid of nor is it something to be reviled. I think it should be something to acknowledge.  

I probably will always feel alone on March 8, but that's okay.  Paul was a very very big part of my life and he always will be, even past Death.  That's something that I celebrate.  I would not be 100% myself without him having been a big influence on who I am.  

I miss him.  I love him.  He is always with me.  Yet, he is not with me.  Such paradoxical feelings, but that's what grief is.  Full of paradoxical feelings.  One can smile, yet cry.  

I smile because he is no longer in pain, no longer struggling to be himself.  I know he is the most himself he can be now.  I will see him when I meet with Death whenever my time comes.  I do not fear Death.  I will meet all my lost loved ones.

Blessed be!

Cold, cold, cold, but CATS!

 Howdy!

Today's an interesting day!  

Most of the United States is now covered in massive snow/snowstorms.  The southwestern corner of Missouri is cold, but no snow.  Very sunny.  Yesterday, there was some thunderstorms, but that was it. 

A lot of people are home as a lot of places closed ahead of the snowstorm advance warning!  

Now, there's something to be said for having advance warning, especially if people take advantage of it and make good use of it.  Prepping houses, yards, etc, to avoid as much damage as possible.  Spend time with family.  

I love spending time with Purple.  He's my family in my little apartment. 

It's nearing March 8, the deathday of my husband.  It'll be 3 years.  I am finding that I am becoming a bit teary lately but I think that's because I haven't really completely processed the fact that I don't have him on Earth anymore.  That I'm beginning to really grasp the magnitude of my loss.  

I go by the principle that it's okay to not be okay.  The only caveat is that I do not harm myself nor others if I'm not feeling okay.  

Not many months after his passing, I went and got a tattoo on my left arm.  I wanted something to represent him and also to add a semi-colon.  Many of you know what the semi-colon means in this context.  Ye, I lost my husband, but my story continues.  

It's been almost exactly 3 years to the day.  My story has been chaotic and probably will remain chaotic for a while longer.  This apartment is not a good place to live and I am working on finding a new place that is much better maintained and much safer.  I had hoped that this place would be my final move, but it seems not to be fated.  It seems that there is one more move left.  After that, I hope that I am done with moving!  

I've adjusted to life without my husband.  A lot of problems, yes, but also a lot of good things, as well.  Just matters is how you CHOOSE to view things!  

Sunny

Intro!

Hullo!

This is my third attempt at blogging.  Let's see if I do any better this time.  :)

I'm Sunny.  I have a tendency to babble, to have really oddball random thoughts.  I like to think things out loud, so to say.  It's a good way to see what's percolating in my brain.  

Tonight, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to blog again, that I have plenty of thoughts in my head that might be interesting to others (and certainly to myself!) so ... here I am.

You might now be wondering who I am, aside from the little blurb that doesn't really say much about me.

Welp... I am Deaf.  I was born deaf into a family full of hearies, although my deafness is genetic.  So yah, some posts will likely talk about what it's like to be Deaf.  What it's like to be out there in a world meant for people who can hear.  

Another big thing about myself is that I have epilepsy. There's so much about epilepsy that isn't really known, yet is known.  Paradoxical, yes, but there it is.  It's also why there is such a big stigma around having epilepsy.  Yes, this means I will be talking about this here and there.  

Not much else for now other than to mention that I have a wonderful tuxedo boy named Purple Sparkles (Purple, for short) and that I am a widow. 

 I love movies, tv shows, and movies.  So I'll probably babble on and on about what I've watched or read.  

A word of caution:  there are times where I may miscommunicate things and it may not make sense to you.  I'm not the best at communicating myself to others.  I want to improve upon this for the future, to make my life better, and to learn more about myself.  This blog is intended to be learning about myself, but I offer it to others in the hopes that they may learn more about themselves.  That is how I have been learning about myself; through others.  Movies, tv shows, books, chatting, the oddball random thought, whatever pops up - that's what inspires my thoughts.  So yes, sometimes, it may seem weird.  

I am proud to be me, whoever that may be.  

Sunny